Mentir

Se não tivesse mentido.

Ah, se não tivesse mentido.

Eu traria a paz para o meu coração, e o seu também.

Transformaria toda a tristeza em leveza, toda a ansiedade em calmaria, toda a depressão em alegria. Teria me virado ao lado certo.

Mas estou do avesso. As pessoas conseguem enxergar as costuras, a etiqueta, a marca e o tamanho.

As pessoas conseguem enxergar a escuridão por fora, a mesma que eu escondo dentro do avesso.

Tento esconder de mim mesma, mas saiu, está respirando e se sente livre. Estou respirando mas as vezes falta o ar.

O ar.

O ar.

O ar entrou com força nos meus pulmões no momento em que você disse palavras erradas, mentiras abertas, como você pode mentir?

Como você pode não se importar?

Eu estive lá, vestindo minha roupa do lado certo, eu beijei teu rosto salgado, eu estava lá.

Você não estava lá. Você estava em outro lugar, medindo palavras e mentindo. Medindo gestos, escondendo gestos.

Se você não tivesse mentido.

Ah, se você não tivesse mentido.

Eu te vi.

Você me viu.

E você mentiu.

Porque não tinha a mínima idéia do que fazer.

Me dobrando devagar, para ali me guardar, abrir a porta quando fosse a hora de abrir.

E eu na escuridão.

Mas você mentiu.

E agora eu apaguei a luz.

Mas você ainda não enxerga a escuridão que causou.

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Black rose

You grew like a rose, I could only see your red petals, they were beautiful, vibrant, elegant.

You smelled like a thousand scents, all mixed up in my mind.

You were something I couldn’t describe, you took the laughter out of me.

My eyes started getting smaller next to you, they would reflect every fragment of you.

Then I could feel your rose thorns all around my hands, all of them in two miserable days.

You looked dead.

55 days and you were back to life, but you still looked wrong, you weren’t the same rose I’ve seen.

I would feed you, water you, but I could only feel my hands get hurt. You would not heal me.

I decided to talk to you, but you just closed.

You terrified me.

I wrote you a letter, about how red and vibrant you used to be, how vivid and how you could take a smile from me. I said I didn’t care if you couldn’t stop hurting me.

But I did…

Suddenly, your scent was sweeter and sweeter. You grew other flowers around you, and you gave them to me.

They were so colorful, so violet, yellow, pink and green. I would smile just by looking at them, and of course, at you.

You gave. But oh, how long would it last this time?

Three weeks.

You terrified me again, I was afraid, I wasn’t giving you enough.

The air was gone, I couldn’t heal, I couldn’t feed you or water you any better than I did.

But it wasn’t enough. You were fading.

I could not see the colours anymore.

I could not see myself shining anymore, I felt like a thing. A small one, dischargeable and miserable. I felt like a monster was eating me alive.

Your monster.

Yourself.

You gave me nothing but fear. Fear of losing a thing that wasn’t there, fear of losing nothing, fear of losing my mind.

You confused me. You lied with your colours, your scent, your leaves. You seduced me like any beautiful rose would.

But you turned to be a black rose.

And it’s stuck on my skin.

But all I see is the thorns, and the faded black silhouette.

And a thousand lies as you do to every empathy you find.

I thought you had a bright side, but you hide it from yourself, you don’t want it.

I asked you to think, you just thought about yourself.

You can only see yourself around.

And you watch the pain inside you on the ones you don’t want to feel anymore.

Then I saw you at the stairs, long dress, writing a book, English words.

You already know how sensitive writers can be.

You know how to…

And you lied.

Turn the lights off when you lie.

Now and then.

I am a silhouette.

And now I’ll be your black rose.

Two seconds

When the laughter burns

It hurts from inside

When you laugh outside but your chest goes smaller

The air is missing, the air is missing

They make me laugh

It comes and it goes, two seconds

Two seconds and I breathe

Now I don’t want to get out

I don’t see anything, it’s too loud

People around, people will hurt

Things will hurt

Everything hurts

Loudness

It’s the ego itself, it makes you look at yourself and only that.

Nothing else comes to your eyes.

You look inside and you get lost on your fears and feelings. You can’t deal with them.

It’s the ego itself, it’s what makes you lose your words, you can’t find them, so you say what makes you feel better.

It doesn’t make any sense as you keep your eyes closed.

That’s how you look at yourself.

Nothing else matters to you. No pain, no tears, no ideas. You just stop.

You tell yourself to stop, you can’t listen when everything is noisy.

How can I open your eyes so you won’t do this again?

How can you look around you?

I tried, oh I tried telling you this in different words. I said you don’t react.

But you don’t react simply because you don’t want to. You’re too used to be alone.

She left you and you said never again.

I came in, I opened the door. You closed it and then you knocked.

But I was here, I was there, I was everywhere.

You couldn’t see me.

Can you look at me?

Can you hear when I scream?

Warm days

You are so sad and warm, warmer than these tears. They burn my face.

You are so satisfying and beautiful, prettier than all these flowers. They have no colours.

You are so waited, so wanted, more than all the lives around here. They can’t hear me laughing.

I waited for you but I was afraid. My memories kept you in the past, but you came back.

Warmer than never, brighter than never, you made me cry again.

I feel, I feel, I feel and I’m screaming.

Why am I feeling sad again?

I remember happy warm days, they’re so distant.

I remember your eyes, they were so distant.

I remember my heart, it’s so loud.

I remember your heart, it’s so quiet.

I hope you don’t hear me, I’ve been walking through your dark halls again. I can’t switch the light on, you’ve been hiding it.

I hope you don’t see me, I’ve been awake for so long. Long enough to lose my mind.

I hope it doesn’t hurt like before, doesn’t burn like before, it’s so warm outside.

Sentir mais

Distribui medos, esconde segredos, escuta segredos, contrai medos.

Escuta espelhos, vê ruídos.

Escolhe vidas, vive escolhas.

Pondera, espera.

Colore sentimentos, sente desenhos.

Deseja o momento, teme o desejo.

Atrai sentimentos, sente atração.

Mente, mente. Volta, volta.

Mente? Volta?

Sente. Revolta.

Envolta.

Sentir mais.

The stars

Everything she wants is to have a place, it’s to be in a place, it’s recognizing things.

Everything she breathes is him.

Everything she wants is him.

He doesn’t see that, he is so into himself that he watches the world when he closes his eyes.

There’s a world inside of him, a world she doesn’t recognize anymore, she wasn’t invited this time.

She’s waiting.

Where is he? Where is she?

She just wants to be seen. She just wants him to know that he’s everything she sees. But does he see her? Does he see her at all?

She opens her eyes, watches the stars falling from the sky. She points at them, talk to them. They are too silent.

She can’t say words. Her heart is closed and so is her mouth.

Her mouth once opened and he disappeared.

He said Sunday was good, but it was so painful to get to Sunday without a word of kindness.

He never speaks about it. She never asks.

She thinks it’s better not to.

When is he looking at her they way he used to?

When is he touching her the way he used to?

Why is he so distant into his own world?

Why is he so tired to give?

She just wants to give him everything, he thinks he already does have that.

She wants to scream, to ask, to say, the words won’t come out. She breathes them back. Words scream in silence.

But when he’s alone, he is around her.

When he is happy with what he has, he is so far she can’t even see him when she looks at the stars.